344 The Little Dutch Girl

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Before I moved to the city, I worked at a theater in IL with a guy who would eventually be my first roommate in NYC. One night, we had one too many drinks, and stole a few lawn ornaments. This included a Virgin Mary, a lawn gnome, and a ceramic Dutch Girl. It was dumb, but we were 22, and dumb.

The gnome and Dutch Girl made it to NYC, and I displayed them in my first two apartments in Astoria. After 3 years, I wanted the Dutch Girl to have a new home. In New York, it’s normal for people to put things they don’t want anymore on their stoop with a “please take” sign. On a sunny Saturday afternoon, I placed the Dutch Girl on our stoop, along with some other unwanted items. By the end of the day most of my things were gone, but the Dutch Girl still remained. I went to bed hopeful; maybe tomorrow someone will take her home.

The next morning when I woke up and went outside, I saw that someone had taken the Dutch Girl! I was ecstatic! But as I was walking up the street, I saw glass all over the ground mixed with the busted ceramic pieces of the Dutch Girl. Someone had thrown her right through the glass door of an apartment complex two doors up. I panicked. I knew for sure a neighbor would tell the cops that I had left it on the stoop, and I would be arrested. There I’d be, stuck in the tombs over ceramic vandalism that I didn’t commit.

A few days went by, and nothing ever came of it. They fixed the door and I wasn’t arrested, but I still felt terrible about the whole thing. The innocent Dutch Girl, whom I obtained by committing a crime, had now been used to commit a crime. Oh, the humanity!

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